A question: why are so many alcoholics so goddamned selfish? It's always about "me, me, me," and no one else. They act like martyrs when they're the ones who are acting like assholes, and if you don't immediately give in to their demands, too fucking bad...for you.
And even when you discount all of that emotional baggage, they track on a different one--the one where they act out like children because they never learned how to grow up and take on responsibility. Their level of maturity is about equal to the proof of their favorite libation.
I have reached the end of my tolerance level when it comes to these crybabies. And I wish I knew how to change things to make everything better, but that's just my inner child trying to smack me upside the head and know that, for the most part, the only solution is to get rid of them from your life. Wish I could.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
A 12 hour period spent in hell (Or, Why I Feel Like Crap After a Sleep Study)
Ugh. I'm lucky I'm here today, as Tuesday night, I spent about 12 hours in hell, part of a "sleep study." It's definitely not something I'd be happy about doing again. According to the tech, I "met the criteria" for using a CPAP machine, but I don't think the test is an objective tool at all--not with all the crappy wires, leads, straps or anything else they put on you, or even as they try to make the atmosphere more acceptable, it's not very inviting. I ended up sleeping on my back which was quite uncomfortable, and that alone is a result of the extra 20 lbs they pile on you with equipment. Tell me how you're supposed to turn on your side with all that stuff?
As it's already 4 am, and as I am still awake and working online (though I am finally getting a bit more drowsy), it's difficult for me to think that falling asleep around 11:30 at night is natural to me. I night have an episode or two of early sleep, but 95% of the time, I don't sleep that early at all. It's only when people challenge the status quo that we have a more rounded world--when I worked many moons ago as a nurse's aide, I worked graveyard shift, and staying up all night was my usual routine. Some people are just born with the propensity to tolerate different sleep patterns.
In the mean time, I will continue to protest the tests and the unfunny and claustrophobic face mask until I get some greater idea of why I should tolerate it all longer.
As it's already 4 am, and as I am still awake and working online (though I am finally getting a bit more drowsy), it's difficult for me to think that falling asleep around 11:30 at night is natural to me. I night have an episode or two of early sleep, but 95% of the time, I don't sleep that early at all. It's only when people challenge the status quo that we have a more rounded world--when I worked many moons ago as a nurse's aide, I worked graveyard shift, and staying up all night was my usual routine. Some people are just born with the propensity to tolerate different sleep patterns.
In the mean time, I will continue to protest the tests and the unfunny and claustrophobic face mask until I get some greater idea of why I should tolerate it all longer.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Remember Pearl Harbor
December 7, 1941: Even now, as the hours pass here on the East coast, we find our thoughts turning to a group of islands in the Pacific, even before the Hawaiian Islands became our 50th state. We all know what happened on that day, when at the crack of dawn, Japanese fighter pilots invaded the peace and quiet of paradise, and entered us into the Pacific Theatre of World War II.
Things have changed since then, of course, but there is a true sense of loss from that day, and of all events that take our loved ones away from us forever. Peace is a better way to learn, a better way to look back at the past, and a greater hope that things can indeed be won without bloodshed.
Remember the pain, remember the fear, and remember the sacrifices, and think about how, sometimes, it still feels as though we are in a neverending state of war. Too many people are still oppressed, and live in a state of fear, but it wasn't until 7 years ago that one man committed treason and launched a war where the US was the aggressor. Until that moment, we had kept to the high road, fighting back when we were attacked--now, it is painfully clear that the US is no longer a nation defending itself from other aggressors, but one which has defied global law and gone after another country.
We need to remember who we are as a nation, and decide what we stand for. We have spent the decade of 2001 to 2009 making rich men even richer, and poor men even more destitute. We have spent these years capitulating to the far right, even now, a frustration trend that thrusts us into the belly of the great beast. We are no longer a democracy, when instead it is the oligarchs who claim rule over the people.
We must come together, somehow, and make this a great country again, but how we will manage that, I'm not sure. But until it happens, we will never again be one of the greatest nations on Planet Earth.
Bring us back to glory: defeat the far right in everything they do.
Things have changed since then, of course, but there is a true sense of loss from that day, and of all events that take our loved ones away from us forever. Peace is a better way to learn, a better way to look back at the past, and a greater hope that things can indeed be won without bloodshed.
Remember the pain, remember the fear, and remember the sacrifices, and think about how, sometimes, it still feels as though we are in a neverending state of war. Too many people are still oppressed, and live in a state of fear, but it wasn't until 7 years ago that one man committed treason and launched a war where the US was the aggressor. Until that moment, we had kept to the high road, fighting back when we were attacked--now, it is painfully clear that the US is no longer a nation defending itself from other aggressors, but one which has defied global law and gone after another country.
We need to remember who we are as a nation, and decide what we stand for. We have spent the decade of 2001 to 2009 making rich men even richer, and poor men even more destitute. We have spent these years capitulating to the far right, even now, a frustration trend that thrusts us into the belly of the great beast. We are no longer a democracy, when instead it is the oligarchs who claim rule over the people.
We must come together, somehow, and make this a great country again, but how we will manage that, I'm not sure. But until it happens, we will never again be one of the greatest nations on Planet Earth.
Bring us back to glory: defeat the far right in everything they do.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Grasp Each Day as it Comes....
Tomorrow is the first of December. Wow. Another whole year will soon be gone, and I seem to look at things in terms of years now, without the thought of simple months or days, which is scary enough as it is. People can't always accept each day as it comes, too focused on outcomes and plans for another time, often too far in the future to think about substantially.
We need to get off the roller coaster and spend a little more time with the present, and plan for the future in real ways, not allow our senses to skip over whole days or weeks to get somewhere else. So let's not rush into the holiday season, please! It's only going to be the beginning of the month, and while some people and things are going to be rushing around, don't allow time to simply vanish without an investment on your part.
We are living one big moment to another, and we're going to be disappointed when our ends come. The little moments count just as much as the big ones, and when we're at the moment of our deaths, we will regret more than we relished.
At that time, we're going to believe in the cliches about cherishing each moment as it comes, but like everyone else, it's going to be too late.
Carpe diem! And remember--the little things matter as much as the big ones.
We need to get off the roller coaster and spend a little more time with the present, and plan for the future in real ways, not allow our senses to skip over whole days or weeks to get somewhere else. So let's not rush into the holiday season, please! It's only going to be the beginning of the month, and while some people and things are going to be rushing around, don't allow time to simply vanish without an investment on your part.
We are living one big moment to another, and we're going to be disappointed when our ends come. The little moments count just as much as the big ones, and when we're at the moment of our deaths, we will regret more than we relished.
At that time, we're going to believe in the cliches about cherishing each moment as it comes, but like everyone else, it's going to be too late.
Carpe diem! And remember--the little things matter as much as the big ones.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I Fall Down and Go Boom!
When I go to doctor appointments, I get rides with the local transit company, which will often pick me up in a transit van.
The van is the kind which will often transport wheelchairs or electric scooters, as well as an area for people who can sit in regular chairs. I'm one of the latter people.
So I get on board the van, and sit in the front row. Right behind the van driver is one of those areas where wheelchairs are secured, and the seats are opposite that area. I tried to buckle my seat belt, but it wouldn't latch, so I had to re-insert it into the "well" area, and bring it back out all the way to have it latch. In the meanwhile, the driver started the bus, and asked me if I was all set, and I said yes, expecting the belt to be hitched by then.
Well, it happened really fast--the driver started down the hill a little, and was taking a sharp turn, and the seat belt wouldn't close, so I left the chair, falling off, and somehow or another, banged my head and knee. The driver was mortified, and kept asking me if I was okay, and since I didn't want to make her worry, I said I was fine. At that moment I was fine, I think, but I was getting the teeniest bit of a headache.
My ride was to see a new doctor, and I felt fine enough to go to my appointment. The new doctor was a neurologist, and we were taking about my really rotten sleep patterns. At one point, I was rubbing my neck a little and he asked if I was okay, and I told him I had fallen on the van, and he said "So that's why you have blood on your head."
Jeez! He examined it to look at it, and said I had a laceration of about 3cm, which I later found out is essentially an inch. He said when I was finished there, someone would take me down to the ER for treatment. Well, I ended up having to cancel my ride home, and then spent about 4 hours in the ER, most of the time just sitting. I didn't even have my cell phone with me, or a book. I figured if I fell asleep they would think I was reacting to a concussion, so I tried really hard not to let that happen!
When the docs looked, they agreed with the neurologist, and said I had a laceration, and they would put staples in it. So, when I left the hospital, after my friend Steve picked me up, I felt like Frankenstein with 4 staples in my scalp. Follow-up is within a week to 10 days, to have the staples removed.
And to make it even worse, I didn't have my cane with me! It wouldn't really have mattered, I guess, as I was sitting down, but there is always the thought that it might have helped.
My knee remained normal, with no evidence of trauma. Now, at least I know that while my skull is pretty thick, my skin is a lot thinner!
The van is the kind which will often transport wheelchairs or electric scooters, as well as an area for people who can sit in regular chairs. I'm one of the latter people.
So I get on board the van, and sit in the front row. Right behind the van driver is one of those areas where wheelchairs are secured, and the seats are opposite that area. I tried to buckle my seat belt, but it wouldn't latch, so I had to re-insert it into the "well" area, and bring it back out all the way to have it latch. In the meanwhile, the driver started the bus, and asked me if I was all set, and I said yes, expecting the belt to be hitched by then.
Well, it happened really fast--the driver started down the hill a little, and was taking a sharp turn, and the seat belt wouldn't close, so I left the chair, falling off, and somehow or another, banged my head and knee. The driver was mortified, and kept asking me if I was okay, and since I didn't want to make her worry, I said I was fine. At that moment I was fine, I think, but I was getting the teeniest bit of a headache.
My ride was to see a new doctor, and I felt fine enough to go to my appointment. The new doctor was a neurologist, and we were taking about my really rotten sleep patterns. At one point, I was rubbing my neck a little and he asked if I was okay, and I told him I had fallen on the van, and he said "So that's why you have blood on your head."
Jeez! He examined it to look at it, and said I had a laceration of about 3cm, which I later found out is essentially an inch. He said when I was finished there, someone would take me down to the ER for treatment. Well, I ended up having to cancel my ride home, and then spent about 4 hours in the ER, most of the time just sitting. I didn't even have my cell phone with me, or a book. I figured if I fell asleep they would think I was reacting to a concussion, so I tried really hard not to let that happen!
When the docs looked, they agreed with the neurologist, and said I had a laceration, and they would put staples in it. So, when I left the hospital, after my friend Steve picked me up, I felt like Frankenstein with 4 staples in my scalp. Follow-up is within a week to 10 days, to have the staples removed.
And to make it even worse, I didn't have my cane with me! It wouldn't really have mattered, I guess, as I was sitting down, but there is always the thought that it might have helped.
My knee remained normal, with no evidence of trauma. Now, at least I know that while my skull is pretty thick, my skin is a lot thinner!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Simple Song of Freedom
Was watching and listening to TV this evening, and for the first time in a long time, I was watching PBS. They had an older show on, John Sebastien's Folk Songs (I know that's not the exact title, but I can't remember it).
Among the songs they played was Bobby Darin's "A Simple Song of Freedom." I might have heard the song before, but never when it was relevant to something. Now it is.
SIMPLE SONG OF FREEDOM
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never sung before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
Hey there, Mister Black Man can you hear me?
I don't want your diamonds or your game
I do want to be someone known to you as me
and I will bet my life you want the same
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never sung before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
Seven hundred million are enlisted
Most of what you read, most of what you read, is made of lies
But speaking one to one, ain't it everybody's sun
To wake to in the morning when we rise?
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never sung, never sung, before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
No doubt some folks enjoy doin' battle
Like presidents, prime ministers and kings
So let's all build them shelves so they can fight among themselves
and leave us be those who want to sing
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never, ever, sung before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never, ever, sung before
Speaking one to one
Ain't it everybody's sun
To wake to in the morning when we rise
Speaking one to one
Ain't it everybody's sun
To wake to in the morning when we rise
You can see Bobby Darin sing it, and to see its effect on people most recently. It's similar to Eve of Destruction, I think, but while Barry McGwire tried to pound his message into people, Bobby Darin just wants to get the message into your soul, and let it do its magic from the inside. I hope there are people who can be convinced with this song and its message who haven't already been convinced.
Peace. Give it a chance. It will be transforming, I think, in the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1LjW75ZIc0
Among the songs they played was Bobby Darin's "A Simple Song of Freedom." I might have heard the song before, but never when it was relevant to something. Now it is.
SIMPLE SONG OF FREEDOM
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never sung before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
Hey there, Mister Black Man can you hear me?
I don't want your diamonds or your game
I do want to be someone known to you as me
and I will bet my life you want the same
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never sung before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
Seven hundred million are enlisted
Most of what you read, most of what you read, is made of lies
But speaking one to one, ain't it everybody's sun
To wake to in the morning when we rise?
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never sung, never sung, before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
No doubt some folks enjoy doin' battle
Like presidents, prime ministers and kings
So let's all build them shelves so they can fight among themselves
and leave us be those who want to sing
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never, ever, sung before
Let it fill the air
Tell the people everywhere
We, the people here, don't want a war
Come and sing a simple song of freedom
Sing it like you've never, ever, sung before
Speaking one to one
Ain't it everybody's sun
To wake to in the morning when we rise
Speaking one to one
Ain't it everybody's sun
To wake to in the morning when we rise
You can see Bobby Darin sing it, and to see its effect on people most recently. It's similar to Eve of Destruction, I think, but while Barry McGwire tried to pound his message into people, Bobby Darin just wants to get the message into your soul, and let it do its magic from the inside. I hope there are people who can be convinced with this song and its message who haven't already been convinced.
Peace. Give it a chance. It will be transforming, I think, in the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1LjW75ZIc0
Friday, November 26, 2010
Holiday Shopping
If I had had money, I would likely be among those folks out in the world spending dollars today, Black Friday. Unfortunately, I do not, and so I merely continue to dream about what I would buy if I did.
Of course, the main thing about today is buying gifts for Christmas. I think, though, that there are only so many things one can purchase for a person. I guess that's why we create wish lists. While I might not like a Guide to Freshwater Fishing, I might very much like a copy of Trout Fishing in America. While I might not want a socket set, I might like a automobile! But of course, Santa isn't as willing to buy such big durable goods for someone, unless they have bigger bucks than most of us.
I like holiday shopping when I have money to buy things for myself and the household. I can head out to one of my favorite stores and look for less conventional items. New bedding for the bed, a new toaster, a new mixer, some catnip for the little guys, fuzzy socks, a new 1TB external hard drive, a 100 spindle of DVD blanks--the list goes on and on! When I know exactly what I want, it makes sense for me to get what I want when it reaches a decent (aka afforable) price!
But that's not to say that shopping at the holiday season is any fun. Crowds, long walks, cold weather, pushing, shoving, long lines, bad manners.... I'm very grateful, instead, to shop online when I can--my mind and body thanks me when I do!
I don't have a lot of people to shop for, thank goodness. I feel very sorry for those people who have, not only spouses, but kids, many close friends, and other family members to buy things for. Even setting a spending limit on gifts can be tough, and many folks feel obligated to spend more than they want to.
I'll stick to Big Lots, Ocean State Job Lots, Christmas Tree Shoppes, the various dollar stores, eBay and just about any other place where I can budget a little better. I'm not cheap--I'm just poor--very, very poor. :)
It's cold now, and I have limited resources for the winter, another facet of life in the big city. But it's still warmer inside than it is outside, which certainly helps when I'm shopping!
I have to go and get my shopping list together--what exists of one, anyhow! Take care--and Happy Shopping to All!
Of course, the main thing about today is buying gifts for Christmas. I think, though, that there are only so many things one can purchase for a person. I guess that's why we create wish lists. While I might not like a Guide to Freshwater Fishing, I might very much like a copy of Trout Fishing in America. While I might not want a socket set, I might like a automobile! But of course, Santa isn't as willing to buy such big durable goods for someone, unless they have bigger bucks than most of us.
I like holiday shopping when I have money to buy things for myself and the household. I can head out to one of my favorite stores and look for less conventional items. New bedding for the bed, a new toaster, a new mixer, some catnip for the little guys, fuzzy socks, a new 1TB external hard drive, a 100 spindle of DVD blanks--the list goes on and on! When I know exactly what I want, it makes sense for me to get what I want when it reaches a decent (aka afforable) price!
But that's not to say that shopping at the holiday season is any fun. Crowds, long walks, cold weather, pushing, shoving, long lines, bad manners.... I'm very grateful, instead, to shop online when I can--my mind and body thanks me when I do!
I don't have a lot of people to shop for, thank goodness. I feel very sorry for those people who have, not only spouses, but kids, many close friends, and other family members to buy things for. Even setting a spending limit on gifts can be tough, and many folks feel obligated to spend more than they want to.
I'll stick to Big Lots, Ocean State Job Lots, Christmas Tree Shoppes, the various dollar stores, eBay and just about any other place where I can budget a little better. I'm not cheap--I'm just poor--very, very poor. :)
It's cold now, and I have limited resources for the winter, another facet of life in the big city. But it's still warmer inside than it is outside, which certainly helps when I'm shopping!
I have to go and get my shopping list together--what exists of one, anyhow! Take care--and Happy Shopping to All!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)